“Will all the mothers please stand up? Do you have any children?”
Mothers Day is almost here and for many women it comes with some unwanted questions and an array of mixed feelings.
Women who are unable to bear children or who have had children who are no longer living may feel loss and sorrow on this day instead of pride and joy. Women who have experienced an unplanned pregnancy or another out of control life event and as a result they made an adoption plan for their child are prone to feelings of loss and sorrow too.
Each of these women find that this day takes on new meaning for them and with it new feelings that they have never faced before.
Mothers Day is no longer a day in which they can think exclusively about their own mothers. Instead it has now become a day that causes each one to have to reflect on something that many people in their life might not even be aware of.
Their own personal struggles with motherhood and loss.
For a women who has placed a child for adoption the loss was often unacknowledged by society back when they placed their child and now again it goes unacknowledged on this day.
Why should she feel loss? She chose to place her child for adoption right?
Ever heard of the term… Disenfranchised loss?
Disenfranchised grief is a referred to as a term describing grief that is not acknowledged by society. … Even widely recognized forms of grief can become disenfranchised when well-meaning friends and family attempt to set a time limit on a bereaved person’s right to grieve.
Even if the adoption relationship is the best relationship ever imagined there are still feelings of loss. In this situation it’s thoughts of: “What if I could have raised my child”? Am I a mother since I am not actually “mothering” a child? ” Will my child know I love them dearly?’ “What would others think if they knew I was a mother but unable to parent my child?”
Mothers Day is now the day the birth mother who has placed a child for adoption has to reflect on becoming a mother herself and having to transfer motherhood for the betterment of her child’s future due to the circumstances she was facing at the time of her pregnancy.
Mothers Day is now a reminder of her placing her child into the arms of another woman who stood waiting to take on the role of motherhood. A reminder of another woman who will be the one to feel joy and pride on this day as a result of this adoption choice.
Life has suddenly changed for the women hoping to adopt a child and the woman having placed a child for adoption.
One woman will now have the joy of being able to stand up in church when the pastor proudly asks ” Will the mothers in our congregation please stand up so that we can acknowledge you?” The other one will now be squirming in her seat if she even decides to show up at all because she doesn’t know if she should stand up or not.
Mothers Day can be a day many women do not look forward to and often times they can’t wait for it to move on and be over. It can be an uncomfortable reminder of what they are not able to have in their life..the gift of “Motherhood”.
SO….How can you be encouraged or an encouragement to someone else in these circumstances? How can you get through the dreaded moments like ” ” Will the mothers please stand up?“
Remember this first and foremost what a mother is. Merriam Webster says….
“A mother is a female who “brings up (a child) with care and affection”.
Choosing a way for your child’s needs to be met on a daily basis is one way of bringing up a child with ‘care and affection”. Staying involved if able and sharing the child’s history in love and discernment is another way to bring up a child with care and affection. Putting yourself and your needs aside to allow for the betterment of your child’s future is bringing up a child with care and affection.
If you’ve placed a child for adoption and someone asks ” Will all the mothers please stand?” or “Do you have a child/children?” you can learn to feel comfortable with responses like:
“Yes, I do and though I was not able to raise my child when they were born or though they are not in my life today, I am still bringing them up with care and affection through the plans I made for their future. I made a loving adoption plan for their life and I look forward to our future together as they grow up in love and understanding”.
There is empowerment in how you live out your life story and how others see it through your own self acceptance and understanding of how it really is.
So if I may lovingly ask…….
Will all the mothers please stand up?
Stand up with loving acknowledgment of being a woman who is bringing up her child with care and affection through the outreach of others who share this same care and affection for one loved child.
TOGETHER WE ARE MOTHERHOOD. <3 <3