To my Son’s Adoptive Mom on Birth Mothers Day,
Our relationship began on paper and I find myself 30 years later using the same means of communication.
It all started with anonymous LETTERS between us.
Yours was a bio that told me all about you and your spouse and the kind of lifestyle you were able to provide for a child should you be chosen to adopt my child.
Mine was a LETTER to you and one to my son explaining my decision for adoption and requesting his name be saved. The LETTER pledged my deep love for my son and the desire that he know it was this deep love that led me to choose you as parents in particular to raise him and love him as I would have done if able. I kept a copy for myself.
The last time I wrote I was 15 about to turn 16. I was young, yet I knew what I needed to do to provide the kind of lifestyle my son deserved to have.
You embraced the LETTER. THEN.
You even wrote me back making some promises, We briefly but genuinely exchanged love and admiration for one another. THEN.
One of those promises we exchanged was that you would give our son the letter that I wrote him upon placing him into your life. A piece of paper that I desired for you to be willing to give to him in exchange for the gift that would change every aspect of your life.
You were now a mother to a son AND a daughter who another women had placed into your arms a few years prior as well. Two women chose you.
Two women were led by fate to you.
You went on in your life with the closed adoption privileges afforded to you back when all adoptions were kept private and information about each other’s identity and location remained anonymous.
I went on in life and tried to make sense of what had just happened and what I was going to do next. Yet I lived my life trusting the LETTER would find its way into my son’s heart come his 18th birthday. Maybe you would wait until he was 21 but surely you would give him the LETTER because you told me so and I believed you.
But that was THEN.
18 years went by, then 21, and still no word from the son who I longed to hear from with the bluest of eyes that I longed to see. We parted not know each others names, locations but we had a date of birth.
AND we had FATE.
We had spent 6 days together upon your birth and I sincerely believe our hearts spoke to one another, saying our temporary goodbyes, making plans for the years to come. We were destined to be together again because this world is far bigger than what we can see with the physical eye. Fate always works in the unseen realm.
23 years went by and the phone rang and the woman on the other end said the words my heart ached to hear….
“Did you dress a little boy with the bluest of eyes in a special outfit and place him for adoption on this date?”
The phone fell on the floor. Tears of joy. Shouts of celebration from myself and the children I later had who all knew they had a brother out there who we would see again. My forever changed. My son was back in my life again.
Was it the LETTER that led him?
The letter was NEVER given to him as promised.
BUT FATE stayed with him all through the years and led him home again. Fate is known to bypass all obstacles that stand in its way.
Fate does what Fate does…It allows what was destined to be to BE.
NOW my heart is complete. A piece of my soul has been returned to me. ALL of my children are back in the fold.
Yet there is still a part of me that aches.
The leftover residual of our adoption experience.
It still remains in the hands of the one who promised to give it. 30 years later. Despite the reunion the letter remains ungiven.
NOW the same two women have a silent division between them.
We spoke once. My desire was to embrace you with big love, to thank you for all that you’ve done, to humbly request that you allow me to sit in your presence without disdain. You met my desire with rejection, judgment and perhaps even fear. You made sure I knew my “place”. You made it very clear that I was still the 15 year old unresourceless girl in your eyes who God merely used to give you what you felt was yours to begin with. Our son.
I had to work hard on my 40 year old self who can be prone to feel 15 again every time I am reminded of your rejection, fear and oddly enough your passive hatred for me having re-appeared in the life of our son.
NOW he is left to feel guilty whenever we encounter . As if he is dividing loyalties. NOW he sees division where there was once unity. Unity that brought us together. NOW fear and insecurities reign where once there had been love and admiration.
Yet NOW as adults we both can make choices that allow us to be in control of our lives and relationship with one another.
NOW I choose to accept it and try to compensate for it in the life of my son when needed like when I didn’t attend his wedding for fear of “embarrassing” you . I choose to step aside whenever necessary to prevent our son from feeling this division. I choose to trust that you have a good reason for not sharing the letter and for your feelings towards me.
I choose to walk today with my head held high because both THEN and NOW I am NO less that you. My circumstances might have been less that yours THEN but NOW we are on the same soil. two women who want the best for the son we share.
Today is Birth Mothers Day.
Tomorrow is Mothers Day.
I shall be celebrating BOTH days with the utmost of gratitude and love for EACH of my children.
FIRST I shall celebrate Birth Mothers Day. Not because I need a separate day to appease you but because I am a birth mother as well. This day commemorates the fact that I chose Brave when Fear was before me. I chose better for my son than I was able to provide at that time with the circumstances before me.
SECOND I shall celebrate Mothers Day to commemorate my love for ALL of my children who fate chose for me to be the vessel for them to bring into the world so they can each live out their own personal life journeys.
It is with this LETTER that I choose to no longer allow the pain that is associated with this event to hurt me anymore.
I remain grateful to you for being a great mother and loving our son, to fate for bringing my son and I together again AND I wish you a very Happy Mothers Day, with the hope that others can learn from our experience and do things differently TODAY as a result.
Signed with all the love that has ALWAYS been present on my part,