To My Child’s Adoptive Mother,
I write to you now because I have lived each day with this complexity and need to open up to you about it.
You and I share this unique relationship with each other that began with the life of the child whom we both love so dearly. We both identify as the mother of this child, yet we know the differences in our roles.
When we began the adoption journey together, we were filled with a similar love and gratitude for one another.
Each of us doing for the other what we were unable to achieve at this time in our lives alone.
Each of us feeling we were meant to meet.
There was no striving for prime placement back then, only the greatest of love and awe for what we were all apart of.
That love and gratitude remains but I noticed that some other feelings have entered into our relationship. Feelings that I was completely unprepared for. Now I carry these new feelings with me and sometimes they overshadow the truth and prevent me from remembering the beginning, I need to share them for fear that if I don’t they will consume me.
I live for photos and updates and long for you to arrange visits for me with my child. Seeing him happy and healthy confirms my choice and makes me feel at peace knowing he is being loved and cared for with you. It’s like my birthday any time you think of me and allow me to be apart of your life.
Just one small gesture from you has the ability to turn my day completely around for the good and this brings me to a better a place emotionally. I know you get busy and life happens but please remember to keep me in the loop as you would be apt to send grandma a quick picture of her grandson.
I walk on eggshells and live with the hope that nothing myself or anyone else says or does will interfere with our relationship and cause you to feel threatened and tighten the reigns. I place huge trust in our agreements and feel quite vulnerable knowing that the control for upholding these agreements lies more with you then with me.
While apart from me you were unable to have a child of your own, apart from you I am unable to maintain a relationship with this child on my own.
You hold this kind of power and I have to trust you to handle it with integrity.
May we both consistently keep our egos in check and focus on the bigger picture.
I hope we can always stay committed to this.
Thank you for listening.
The Birth Mom