Hi there! My name is Cassie.
I am 39 years old and I am a birth mom. I have 6 children total. My oldest 4 (ages 20, 17, 14,and 11) were adopted in 2007. At the time they were 10, 7, 4 and 1.
Before I share the rest of my story, let me say that I take responsibility for my actions and I own my story.
It started like this…. At 15 years old my mom got heavily into meth and pills. She lost our home and everything we had. I went to live with my grandma and step grandpa for a year and a half before that broke apart and they divorced. I was then on my own at 17. I dropped out of high school and hung out with people who drank and did drugs…. a lot. I met my first husband, Timmy at a party when I was 16 while living with my grandparents. Their only rules were to let them know where I was and go to school or get a job. Since I had a job, I pretty much did as I wanted… and told them about it.
At 17, Timmy and I got together as boyfriend and girlfriend. Neither one of us had a place to live so we just crashed at friends houses. It wasn’t long before Timmy was calling me horrible names. He was constantly accusing me of things I didn’t do like looking at other men. I thought I could prove to him that I was good with good intentions. I stayed with him for 6.5 years and had two beautiful daughters.
The abuse went from verbal to physical and got worse over the years. I stayed because I wanted to show my girls that I tried. When they were 2 and 4 years old, Timmy went really far and beat me up pretty bad. I left and went to stay at my grandmas with my two little girls. I was barely 22. I was pretty shaken. My core was raw and scared. I didn’t go back but the alcohol and drugs started right away.
I got my own apartment and started living my new life, full of drugs, alcohol, men, and two beautiful little girls. I lost reality of what I wanted to be as a parent. My life spiraled from there. I was addicted to drugs. In 2005 I became pregnant. I had told myself that if I became pregnant that I would immediately stop using drugs. I was unable to stop. I was really messed up on meth and hadn’t slept in God only knows how long. I was raped in my own house by someone I knew. I went to bed in my bed, alone. I woke up with this man, Tony, on top of me. I said “what are you doing”? He got up off me without saying anything and snuck out of my room. I was shocked but very weak from not taking care of myself. I really didn’t know if it was reality or a bad nightmare.
When I woke up the next day, I knew. It was my reality. That is how my 3rd child was conceived. He was born February 18, 2003. He was perfect and I loved him from the start.
I was not able to get clean and ended up using meth through my whole pregnancy. My son tested positive for meth and that’s how DHS became involved. I am grateful that DHS intervened and offered help and support the best way a state agency can.
I went through residential treatment and many outpatient facilities. I would have bouts of clean time and then relapse was inevitable.
In 2005, I had a 4th child with a different man. Another perfect baby boy. The clean time and relapse cycle continued until 2007 when I eventually relinquished my parental rights. My children had been in and out of stranger foster homes, split up and put back together so many times. I was causing them more pain to keep trying to get clean and fail then to just let them be adopted by a family that could and would care for them.
I met my current husband, Chris right before my kids were adopted. So, in 2007 they were all 4 adopted by a Mormon family. There was no contact for the first few years as they said the children needed to get adjusted. I didn’t argue because I felt they were doing what was best for our kids.
Chris has been my best friend and rock for the past 10 years. Together, we have accomplished great things. We got clean from meth, cocaine and alcohol. We have graduated college. We have had 2 beautiful daughters together but he claims all 6. He is a good man and I love him more than words can say. We bought our first home last year. We tackle every roadblock that comes our way.
Today, our 20 year old lives with us. She chose to come live here when she was 19. It’s not all bliss but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Since she moved here, communication with the other kids has increased.
At the beginning of summer our 14 year old requested to come for a visit. He was making some bad choices so the adoptive parents decided that it might be helpful to let him come here. He stayed six weeks. When it was time for him to leave, he hugged me so tightly. He cried all the way home. It was gut wrenching for us both. He said that he felt a connection here that he has never felt before. He has asked to come back. We are waiting on the response from the adoptive parents.
It’s been 2 weeks…. The adoptive parents let the other two kids come for a visit recently as well. I had all 6 of my amazing kids at my house for a whole week. It was a little stressful but we managed. This is new to us all. Honestly, it was amazing. I struggle everyday and my life is a constant work in progress but I try to be the best me I can. I go to therapy regularly and take care of my responsibilities to the best of my ability.