Dear Adoptive Parents Who Made Certain Commitments to Their Child’s Birth Mother,
Dear Adoptive Parents Who Made Certain Commitments to Their Child’s Birth Mother, I am writing to you today with urgency. This urgency beckons you to be willing to hear my words with vulnerability and awareness.
My heart is heavy today for a particular woman who placed her child for adoption. She represents EVERY woman who placed a child for adoption and is walking the post-adoption journey. Promises were made to her and she found peace and security in those promises. Those promises gave her the ability to move forward in her everyday life.
Those promises were broken. There was nothing she could do about it. She was forced to deal with it and find a way to live in it.
Have you considered that if one day if you decide that the promises you made to your child’s birth parents could no longer be kept by you than you’d change fate drastically for everyone involved?
By doing so you’d be allowing fear to replace love. You’d be allowing ego to rise and compassion to fall.
When you change things on your end, life changes. These choices may not affect your everyday life. BUT when you change things on her end, her ENTIRE everyday life is affected. Her brain spends every waking hour trying to wrap reason around it and search for a solution for it.
She questions her abilities and most tragic of all she also questions her worth.
You hold the power of her emotions in your hand by your willingness to be true to your commitments.
I beg of you to hold it with Integrity.
You knew this was going to be hard. You knew it would suck at times because you might be called upon to be the stronger person. You were sure you could handle whatever came your way.
Until…
Until it becomes too real and invasive to the picture that was promised?
You probably had an expectation too. How this was going to look on your end and now it’s not that picture by any stretch of the imagination.
You just wanted a family and no one ever mentioned that this was going to include all that too.
She knows that. It doesn’t look the way she was thinking it would on her end either. She had a different expectation of how this was going to look and feel too. She was also unprepared for how it would affect her everyday life.
But it does and it did.
Adoption is a reality few are prepared for. While the need and necessity are apparent it affects real people in real ways and no one can predict HOW each of those people will be affected personally.
How much easier would it be if you could walk the journey together?
If you could meet in the place where you’re willing to grow.
Where you’re willing to say:
” Let’s work this out. Together. Let’s figure out a way we can both live with that will provide the healthiest and most loving atmosphere for the child we share.”
When life brings the unexpected as it will you can communicate with each other:
“I need space and time to figure this part out but I am not shutting you out. I will stay true to my commitment. I will find a place of peace where we can both dwell.”
I will choose love.
I will choose integrity.
In doing so I will demonstrate my love and commitment to this child who needs for us to work together as a team. Who will benefit emotionally, mentally and spiritually by seeing us walk this journey together.”
Maya Angelou is known for her powerful words: ” When you know better you do better.” Powerful words have a way of carrying on. I beseech you to carry on by choosing love and doing better for everyone involved.
Sincerely,
Birth Moms Today
Very moving, very true. Through Catholic Charities mY son was given to couple to raise as their own and didn’t stay true to their commitment. Today our journey is very difficult for me to know all the things that happened to him. This certainly wasn’t the life I thought he would have and it seems to me the agency in the court knew the circumstances at the time of the adoption. Although I’m in therapy over this mess I still live in pain every day. These words went deep into my soul.
Thank you, Phyllis. I hope you’re part of my support group. Sending love your way.
I woke up this morning really struggling with the fact I’ll never get another picture of my daughter again. It has destroyed my religious beliefs and I feel so much anger towards the adoptive parents ,the adoption agency,the law,even GOD…Crazy that something as small as a picture and letter can cause so much pain. I never would have signed those papers if they had not signed an agreement promising a picture and letter every year…they basically stole my baby with lies
Lauren, My heart hurts for you and I am so sorry that your child’s adoptive parents are not upholding their word. I am hopeful with you that as time and awareness take place they will come to see how emotionally unhealthy that is for both you and the child you all love so dearly. Sending love <3
I didn’t agree to my son’s adoption and that in itself is too much for me to process. It has all taking its toll and I worry about my sons wellbeing. The adoption parents have moved and haven’t left a forwarding address. I’m no longer able to send a birthday card.
Tanya, I am so sorry that you were not in choice regarding your son’s adoption. I am also so sorry that you lost contact with your son and his Adoptive parents. Is there an agency that you can check with regarding leaving a message for them? I am sending love and trusting one day you will both be reunited again. <3