I was 15 when I became pregnant to someone of whom I was with for a year, I finished the relationship due to my hormones and moods. I concealed my pregnancy and no one had a clue apart from the rumours at school. Deep down I knew what was happening I just didn’t want to admit it too myself because I was terrified and I had no clue what I would do; my mum had told me if I ever got pregnant she would throw me out so there was nothing I could do. I carried on going to school but the rumours started to become too much for me and I started to have panic attacks when people used to come over to me and ask me if I was pregnant and when I could hear and see people talking about me when I was walking down the corridor.
I carried on pretending nothing was happening and constantly kept putting this to the back of my mind right up until 36 weeks and this is when I realised I had to do something so I emailed a sexual health clinic who then referred me to a teenage pregnancy midwife who I then met with right away. The day came when I was going to meet her and I remember seeing her outside Mcdonalds and I thought to myself shall i turn away and for a second I thought I would.. but I didn’t I went to see her. When I began talking to her she was so lovely and kind and I had her word that she was going to support me right the way through, no matter what I wanted, we filled in paper work and she asked me what I wanted to do and right away I said adoption as I knew I had no other choice. She also gave me a date for a scan.
When the scan came along I asked not to look at the screen as it was too surreal for me too cope with although I did ask for a scan photo; on the bus on the way back my head was all over the place I had a constant lump in my throat and as soon as I looked at the scan photos my lump turned into floods of tears… this was finally becoming real. I was 38 weeks exactly.
Two days later it was a Saturday and my midwife had a day off although she offered to show me around the hospital where I would need to go when I was in labour; I was meeting her at 1pm. Although that morning at 5am I was woken up with my first contractions…When I met her at 1pm at the hospital, it wasn’t until quarter to 2 we realised that I was in labour and she quickly filled in my paperwork while timing my contractions. As she didn’t want me to be alone she held my hand all the way through the birth and asked other midwives for their help to deliver my baby.
At 4:21pm my baby was born a boy who I named Mason and he was the most precious beautiful little boy I had ever seen. Each time I looked at him I was in such shock…I had just had a baby and he was..mine. I was in such awe, I couldnt even believe I had given birth. I sdtayed with him right until half past 11 that night and I went home and wheeled him down to neonatal clinic to be looked after.
He was in the hospital for a week so I could see him and so the social workers could find him an appropriate foster placement. I went in every day to see him and fed him and made sure that he was asleep when I left. When he was placed in a foster care placement I visited him for a year twice a week and spent a couple of hours with him, i watched him grow and learn to crawl. I even got to spend his first birthday with him. Although shortly after he was adopted by a couple in Cambridge.
Even though I know I made the right decision my heart hurts thinking about the birth and I wish I could just be with him now, I now understand the love a mother has for there child and I love him beyond anything. I wish my mother had being more supportive as I love my son and I would do anything for him to be with me right now, i miss him so much. People tell me to get over it and that it will stop hurting but no i wont get over it he’s my son and always will be also it will always hurt because i love him and i miss him so much.
It is exactly a month till his third birthday and my mind is full of thoughts. I just don’t know what to do and I feel there is no one that understands me or my story without judging.
I am so glad that you found your way here and I do hope you will come to one of our monthly support groups and be with people who really can understand you without judging.. Time can never fully heal the pain wrapped around surrendering a child for adoption. I was the same age as you when I found out I was pregnant. I understand your pain. Your loss is real and even being experienced by Mason. In a few more years you will be able to make your information available on adoption registry sites and hopefully this can lead to your reconnecting with your son.In the meantime, its so important for you to get your life on track and to heal so that if that day should come to meet again, it will be a blessing for your son to know you. Many birthmoms silently carry the pain over the years and the guilt that results leads to unhealthy relationships and life choices. Don’t allow yourself to become one of these statistics. You did what was the right and unselfish choice for Mason due to circumstances out of your control. Forgive yourself..Keep a journal for Mason so he knows your love and thoughts of him. Pursue what it is in life that will bring you joy…Continue to tell your story. I am here if you need me. xoxo
Much love, Kim