A Letter to my Adversaries in the Adoption Community
Is adoption traumatic to every birth mother or is the relationship we have with the people involved traumatic?
Traumatic events in life happen. Part of being alive means we are going to come in contact with good and evil. Events like birth, death, marriage, divorce, and even adoption occur. And when things go differently than planned some of these events can compromise relationships. But the event itself does not define the future or give someone the right to predict how someone else is going to experience that same event in their life.
Lately, as I represent women who are at peace with their adoption choice and I allow their voices to be heard, I notice that they are met with cruelty and disdain from those in the adoption community who are anti-adoption advocates, who feel that under no circumstances is adoption a natural option for an unplanned pregnancy. Assumptions fly that they are in denial, or not enough time has passed, or “just wait till the adoptive parents break their promises,” etc.
From my own experience as a birth mom and from what I’ve observed from loving others through the experience, adoption is a life changing event. This event effects everyone differently. While some key emotions are going to be present, each person is going to deal with their reality, differently than the next person. Each person will be personally filtering it through the other things going on around them. The birth family, the adoptee AND the adopting couple are all going to process this exact same experience from their own life filter.
It’s heartbreaking to see the controversy in the adoption community over whether or not a person should be allowed to process their adoption experience with peace and joy or regret and despair. This controversy primarily comes in from others who have had bad adoption experiences. Just because one person’s experience was bad, doesn’t mean all other experiences are bad or that adoption is bad, as a whole. One reality is not all realities
Where else in life do we feel so entitled to predict some one’s reality if they make a certain choice? A choice that they truly feel is the best choice for their future and the future of those whom they are responsible for?
When someone has a loved one who needs more care than they can give they responsibly choose a place where their loved one can get the care they need. Ideally, they can still see and love that person while that person receives the care needed.
My placement took place during the coercion era, so I can feel genuine empathy for both realities in adoption controversy. That being said, but I also hear regularly from hundreds of women who chose adoption and know this was the right decision for them and their and that this decision was going to be the best one for their child’s future.
At the same time, I also hear from hundreds of adoptive parents who understand the importance of healthy, post adoption relationships for everyone involved. They work diligently to keep communication open between the birth family and the child they ALL love.
All of this is not going to change simply because someone else had a bad life experience and processed it differently as a result. Each person has the right to hold passionately onto their beliefs and to their story. Sharing your truth with love and offering advice is not the same as deliberately looking for people to target with your negative opinions.
Adoption is still going to be a choice that women with unplanned pregnancies make. We need to invest energy in improving post adoption care for these women who after researching all of their options feel this is the best choice for their situation and their child’s future. These women deserve proper help and support before and after the adoption occurs. I will continue to spend my energy on providing love and support to these women.
It’s just a shame I’m spending more of my time consoling them from their fellow triad members in the adoption community.
You in your small corner and I in mine…….<3 <3
-With Genuine Care,
-Kim Noeth -Birth Mom Advocate