How My Open Adoption Relationship Developed Over Time

I have been a birth mom for a little over five years. I have two birth sons placed with the same family who are 5 and 3 years old.

From the beginning, our adoption was extremely open. I had visits very often, at least once a month and every holiday. Sometimes, we would even spontaneously meet and spend time together. I never felt like I missed anything. Of course, I went through the hard times of grieving and hurting, but every visit warmed my heart and seeing their happiness as a family gave me peace in my decision.

Over the years, the immensely open relationship we had started to be less open. We had mutual moments in time where the adoptive mom needed space, and sometimes I needed space as well, so both of us could heal. There were times where I was hurting and it was affecting the adoptive family as far as bonding with the boys.

I also had a time when I started parenting my son (born after my first two boys that were placed), and I needed space because I was constantly comparing my ability to parent to the family my boys were with.

We have always had open communication though, and always got back on track with visits and bonding.

The adoptive mother and I have developed a strong, sister type bond through these rollercoaster years, and always check up on one another. I could never picture not being in their lives.

They have a pretty big family, with six children now, and lots of other relatives. Everyone knows who I am, and I am always greeted warmly and can jump into conversations openly with everyone. At every family event, I am hugged and let known that I am appreciated for giving life and blessings to them as a family.

I never visit to spend time with just my boys; I visit to spend time with the family, because that’s what we are.

I am almost like an Aunt in a sense. Even my boys’ siblings ask about me now that they’re older and say that they miss me and ask when they will see me again.

As my boys’ are getting older, I am anxious for their questions. In this time, though, I am grateful for how open our adoption has been and how honest we have decided to be from the beginning. My boys’ understand that I gave birth to them, but I am not their mother. I made a promise to myself that I would never cut ties or distance myself for too long because, from the start, this whole process has been for the benefit of my boys’ and their wellbeing, not my own.

Even if it hurts sometimes, having the peace and love from them knowing who I am could never be replaced. These years have taught me that life continues after adoption, and there will be bumps in the road, but with such a strong bond, and communication, I can say with great pride that I am a part of a family that I was meant to be in.

My boys’ are happy and loved, and that is all I could ever pray for.

-Mandi